The Reason Why I Lied

Looking for a job is not easy. Unless, you happened to be extremely intelligent, have more achievement that one can count with his or her fingers, have an unbelievable long list of contacts, graduated from a top university and/or heartbreakingly attractive.

If you have all of the above, you have the privileged to turn down job offers, because you probably want to travel the world first.

If you have most of the above listed good lucks, you are probably already working in the company of your dreams.

But most of us are not as lucky as you are. Oh yeah, by the way congratulations for those who are.

Today I applied to a company for the tenth time. And I got rejected even before anybody could have a look at my CV. I know, that there are many applicants out there, but as the name would suggest "Human resource", you may be familiar with the risk of this, as there are billion of humans out there (unless its called "alien resource" then you probably wont have to bother with so many humans's CV).

What made me sad/pissed/hopeless is the fact that there was a list of top universities in my country that you can choose from. And if you happened to not be a graduate from one of the universities listed, there is an "Other local university" option you can click. I graduated from what you guys call "other local university" and as you may guess, they asked it twice. Like to assure themselves that you are not applicable because you didn't graduated from a top university.

Well, this may be irrelevant to why my application got rejected directly after applying. Maybe because I wasn't desirable, but I have a hunch that I got rejected because I didn't graduate from a top uni.

It makes sense you know, because the questions that they were asking were pretty standard and through the times I have applied, I change the answers (ex 1st time applying: are u related to a government official? No. 2nd time: Yes, my father etc.) and the only thing I didnt change was where I graduated from. So I have a reason to suspect.

I wanted to lie so bad, to lie that I am an alumni from a top university. And one day when they asked me why I lied, I would say: the same reason why you discriminate. You wanted the best, I wanted a chance. You wanted someone intelligent, I wanted to show you that I am. You wanted someone with lots of powerful alumni contacts, I wanted to tell you that I have enough to satisfy you. You wanted to be impressed, I wanted to impress you.

I know a living proof of someone you went in a top university because of pure luck, I knew someone who bribed, I even knew someone who didnt write their own thesis and graduated probably because it was attractive. I knew some people who are stupid and lazy, enjoying the privilege of the good name of an university. It is just a name for Gods sake, it doesnt have any connection of who you are as a person. And I know, its a stepping stone, you must have some brain if you can go into a top uni and blah blah, but everybody has their reasons. I didnt even try to apply to a top uni, why? because the test was at the same time with my IGCSE and because I was thousand miles away (literally separated by the ocean). My cousin got a scholarship from Harvard and she declined it because of whatever reason and I still respect her.

And then you might say, those who are lazy and stupid wont pass the interview process. Yeah probably, and you just wasted your time talking to a idiot instead of giving a talented person from a B-List university a chance.

I wanted to lie so bad... so bad that I almost did it. Then I said to myself: why on earth would I apply to a company that discriminates people. Why on earth would I wanna be a part of a company who doesnt give people a chance? Why on earth would I be proud to be a part of a close minded greedy company? Why on earth would I wanna join a company that wont even see my potential?

And therefore I didn't.


I wish you all the luck in the world though, for there must be one or two nice people who are sadly trapped inside, enjoying your extravagant monetary incentive.


Sigh,

Arinda

I do not have your jeans

There are some memories that are vivid, others are blur. Although, those blurry ones are the ones that I shouldve remember the most. Usually the blurry ones were the ones that leaves something significant behind. The effect can still be felt, though the pictures seems faded.

Going through puberty, I had my fair share of boys. There weren't many problems to begin with at that age, mostly love and friendship (and sometimes grades and administration problem because I tend to delay my tuition payment). But most of my love stories were failures that I never wanted to remember. And tonight, I am stepping out of comfort zone and let my fingers type down things I have never wanted to admit. I am feeling like a ghost, haunting the past, so maybe with this, I can finally be at peace.

I had three significant lessons through the past years. By lessons I mean failures. The boys I have dated were all very different from each other, and each has somehow shape who I am today.

The first one, I thought was the worst. It was a dark and vague year for me, since I seriously can't remember most of it. But one was sure, we were so much in pain. I was in pain and he was in pain. I complaint that he was hurting me, until I recently realised that I was hurting him as well. This is what you get when you force love, you end up hurting each other. It felt like a surreal dream, now that I think of it. There were thousands of fights and arguments. And when I woke up from that dream it was too late, my friends were already hating me, my grades went to hell, I almost failed the semester and the savings my parents gave me was drained. And I could not remember how it all happened. Maybe it was the fights? Maybe it was because he took my car and locked my up inside the house? Maybe because I stayed up all night because he always had something to do and my presence were mandatory? I seriously dont know. It is indeed much easier to blame it on someone else and much easier to remember the fault of someone else, but maybe I wasnt much better myself. Like I said, I was mentally abusing him as much as he was torturing me. As much as I like to believe that he is a bad person, I honestly dont think that he is, maybe we both were so not right for each other that we became the worst person we can be. We havent been speaking for years now. Good news though, (from what I think) he seems happy now with his girlfriend and I am seriously happy for him. I would like to apologise for the misery I have caused him and say one more time, I do not have your jeans.

After I met the second one, I thought, hell no, compare to this jerk, the first one was an angel. Again, this one was also a blur and oh my god, until now, I have never regret anything this big in my life. Well, I am only regretting the fact that I was unlucky enough to know him, I wish that I have never met him in the first place. Unlike the first one, no one forced anyone to love. I think that we both were equally into each other. And I remember that looking at his eyes, everything felt alright, I was comfortable. It was just that personality wise, he was a challenge. The decisions that he made were mostly idiotic. He loved to tell me to stop being friends with my friends, and apparently he said that to other people too. Guess he gets turned on by conflicts. He was a sick liar as well. Honestly, I do not know how to make this story more objective, because there isn't a way to put him in a better light. He was just a mindblowing asshole. I hated him. For the troubles and conflicts that he brought. For all the lies I had to tell for him and all that damn stupid pain. I hated him for awhile. Until I realised that hating a person like that will just drain my energy. I do not hate him anymore, I have made my peace eventually, I just think that I do not owe him any apology.

The third and the most recent one, was a nice young boy. He was everything I wished for. From my list of "boyfriend requirements" he made me ticked a lot of points, because he was almost perfect. But sometimes, what you wish for is not what you need. I know that he was giving his best, he was kind and sweet and he put me first, I knew at that time that I didnt care enough to give him back what he deserved. Again, you cant force love. Honestly, this post might be just my sad attempt to tell him the things I could not tell him in person: I am not mad at him nor am I pissed off. My email responses were probably not as friendly as him wished it to be, but that was just because I felt as if he was attacking me first. Maybe instead of thinking I am angry at him, he should start considering the fact he is the one who is angry with me (totally understandable by the way). And it is true, maybe if I would have tried harder, I could have loved him. If I wanted to, I would have loved him. I tried, and I wanted to. But I cant explain it in words how awful it felt like to force love. How it hurt me and how shitty I felt hurting him. I just hope one day he will understand, or at least gain a bit perspective of my position. I did warn him, I am a mess.
But I wont feel at ease if I dont say this, I am sorry for dragging such a nice boy to the realm of sadness. I am sorry that this poor innocent boy had to suffer. I am sorry that he met me a strange time of my life and so sorry that I couldnt return his love. I just hope that one day you will find your peace like I found mine when I got hurt. And dont go on telling people that I have it good, did you know how much it sucks to be the one hurting? And you know I dont cope well with guilt. I pray that one day nobody have to hate anybody anymore. It is my lost indeed, I wished that in another life, we could be friends, because you are a nice person and I wish you the best. (and I know that you hate me and apparently i dont like being hated. But i accept it. -edited again because the other one was to harsh and i dont want to get killed or cursed)


And you probably ask yourself, why was I together with them in the first place? I would say, a mix of bad luck, impulse and haste.

And because this heart needed a huge band-aid from the real fall. Apparently, all I did was creating new wounds and pouring salt over the old ones. Sigh, I did make a lot of horrible decisions.




Lets stop hating each other and live in peace kisses and hugs,

Arinda or known as your ex/we-werent-dating-but-its-over/a-girl-from-your-past

What I Have Learned in the Past Four Years

Wow, its been years since the last time I wrote! And you thought that this blog is dead. Well, you are not very wrong. The blog is dead, was, because today I am reclaiming this space and I am going to write again (fingers crossed). Before I begin to write what I have learned in the past years of absence, I would like to enlighten the sudden motivation to write again: I am jobless and highly restless to a point where I am desperately thinking that maybe, just maybe, writing things down will help me calm my soul.

I am a fresh graduate (like literally), only a couple of days old baby who is ready to jump into the real world. I am 21 years old and I studied Communications in an university that you probably wont know. The focus of my study is very broad, seriously. We covered public relations, broadcast, journalism, advertising, crisis management, event management and everything else in the field of communications. And I am currently waiting for a confirmation for a job that I have (accidentally) applied to.

After my graduation, and the fuss that comes with it (like what to wear, the hair, make up and shoes problems) I had some time to actually reflect upon myself what it is that I want. Sorry, I still dont know what I want, but while thinking of what I want, I figured out, maybe I should take things slowly and think about what I have learnED in the past years.

1. Friends you find in uni are friends for life

The truth to that quote has to be proven yet (since we just graduated). But it is a good feeling to graduate knowing that you are loved and cherished by your friends. You dont have to have a huge number of friends, a couple of people that you feel comfortable with is totally fine, as long as you know that you can count on them no matter what. Friends for me are like my security blanket, they keep me warm and safe in this big bad world. I am lucky enough to have graduated with the people I love, sometimes I feel like they are not my friends, they are family. So keep your friends close to your heart and I bet nothing will change in the next 10 years.

2. Your friends are not perfect and so are you

Remember, that no one is perfect. I know how tempting it is to follow the manual book of friendship. Like be there 24/7, dont date your friends ex, dont talk behind their back etc. But manuals will only work perfectly for machines and we are not machines. Your friends cannot be 24/7 by your side, they have a life too. People fall in love. Bad things sometimes slip out of our mouth. Just because you commit a bad thing doesnt mean you are a bad friend, as long as you try your best to help your friend, try to be more sensitive towards your friends feeling and apologise, if you happened to say something bad. Of course, you have to be tolerant and forgiving too. Sometimes people do things for a reason and if you know a friendship is good, you have to fight for it.

3. Stop thinking that it is the end of the world

People who read my blog or know me, are probably familiar with my bad habit: complaining. I know that it is human nature but I swear, I am so ashamed by my frequent complaining. I tried to stop but it was so hard, it was like drugs, you get addicted to complaining. I remember that I always had something to complain about, my body, my face, my IQ etc. Until one day, I watched a documentary about a beautiful mermaid girl, and she literally changed me. Her attitude towards life inspired me and her joy in life was so contagious that I cant help but feel ridiculous about myself. I am still trying to complain less and try to enjoy life. I also learn to stop seeing problem much bigger than they actually are. So every time I want to complain, I just remember that I have to be grateful. Every time I have a problem, I try to evaluate the damage and calculate probable solutions before freaking out.

4. Meet new people, make mistakes, learn a lesson or two

I have to admit that I am not all pure, clean and stuff. I have made mistakes that hurt many people, including myself. I said sorry, a thousand times, but pain does not heal instantly. I didnt want those mistake to be in vain and therefore I tried to make it a lesson: I should stop living in my dreams and realised that there are EVIL people out there as there are GOOD people. I should be more careful in judging characters and stop being so naive. What I am saying is, that it is okay to meet people, some of them might turned out to be your friend, some will just damage your life and of course it is okay to make mistakes, as long as you realised that it is a mistake and apologise. And at the end, learned from it. Learn from other people. Learn from your mistakes.

5. Always give your best in everything you do

Oh trust me, I have read that so many times and am still stubborn. Until I realised (too late) that there are so many things I regret not doing or giving my best. I didnt seize opportunities to be a better person. I didnt study harder. I didnt join any sports club. I wasnt more active in campus. I gave up even before I tried. I just didnt give my best in anything I did in the last four years. And honestly, remorse is an annoying feeling that I wish you will never have to feel.

6. Give your family a chance

Now that puberty is over, and the rebellious hormone is subdued, it is time to give my family a chance. I moved out from the house when I went to uni and had years of solitude. Now that uni is over, I am spending more time with my mom, trying to connect with my dad and hang out with my brother. And I am happy to say that I love them. I feel blessed for having such a fun and loving family.

7. Love life is just a small part of your life

Love is important, and we dont wanna feel lonely. But do not let your love problems affect your study and friendship. I have dated (or known) crazy guys; violent guys, jerks and other species. They have brought misery and lessons for me. I dont want to be committed in a relationship just because I am lonely. Love will come and I am not in a hurry. (Intermezzo: DO NOT DATE A GUY YOU MET AT A CLUB)

8. Experiments are okay, but know your limit

Like normal people, I have experimented too. My young soul back then wanted to try everything, and yes I did almost tried everything. I am lucky that I wasnt too carried away by my experiments but I have witness some people loosing themselves in their little experiment. It is not because I wasnt easily influenced and others was, it was because I had great friends who would remind me if I went a bit too far. My tip is, before you experiment, you should set a limit of how far you wanna go and then stop once you almost reach that limit. Or dont even start something you know you wont be able to stop (read: dont do drugs). Whatever it is that you wanna try, just keep in mind that you always have to be careful and take care of yourself.


That was a broad and summarised version of the lessons that I have learned in the past four years. I hope that I entertained you or inspired you a little bit. There are many more lessons to come, of course, as we dont stop learning as we grow. But not today, people, I am off to nap wonderland.




Jobless love and kisses!!

Maybe.. (the most saddest excuse for a tittle)

Oh god i know no one reads my blog any more.

hey, maybe thats a great reason to write again.

3 posts ago, i think, the last post i wrote when i was in Cairo, i was reading through it quickly and wow, you wont believe what i felt, i felt like i was living in a dream. Nothing seems real anymore. Im not sure whether this is the dream or the cairo part is the dream, either way when the future comes and you flash back to the old days of your fucking boring past, you wonder, how the hell did i manage to get through that crazy asssucking days??? I thought i was gonna be dead by the end of the year.

Life is so random man, i swear to you. Maybe what i had is some kind of an enlightenment from the Lord whos trying to tell me the reason why we exist. Well, i dont have the answer yet, but trust me, that is the the first thing im gonna ask Him when i arrive at the heavens gate (when i arrive, but im sure ill go to Jahanam first, sad if you know it before you should know it)

Anyway, i was kinda innocent huh, saying "i was born decent" and bla bla bla, saying i wasnt mentally and physically ready. People dont have to be ready to make a funny step out of their dull life. You can have the life you want to live too, when youre courageous enough to face the sad truth that theres always gonna be Emma Watson whos gonna be above you in freaking everything.

Its starting to get harmful nowadays, ironic when i remember how i assured people that i only attract nice, nerdy and innocent human being. Ironic when i remember i dont like to wear dresses and frigging slut heels.

Ironic how i like my life now.

I could tell you everything. Every funny little scenes that happened to me, but trust me, you dont wanna know. Cause maybe you might be too close minded to understand, or in worst case you gonna tell everyone and i will be sent back to the last place i wanna be, Alaska, reading the Quran alone inside an ice cold igloo with no poster of nude Johny Depp.

are you confused and irritated?

Me too

Ironic kisses and hugs,

Arinda

Another random night

since no one read my blog, at least not those persons that i wish would care about my writings, i decided to tell something in this very boring night, where i should be.... yeah... learning... ah shit dont remind me of that ARGH!

Im in a stage of life that Freud might call the Genital Stage where my biggest pleasure should be gain by having heterosexual relationships...okay.... anyway, simple people just called that shit of psychodynamic approach as PUBERTY, so do I. 

So what happens in this stage: Conflicts. Yeah . Thats what most of the pubertans would like and love and seek and want and wish to experience. Dont tell me "we never like problems" you know that what makes your life life are problems that are actually eating your mental right?? RIGHT? 

Im just a 17 years old bitch who happens to be very bored and has nothing to do than talking about people, spreading gossips and watching porn (that last point was just a corny joke to enhance your mood). But i really do like to observe, yeah, somehow i care about my environment and thus, im kinda specialized in the subject of: how teenagers deal with life.

This is the result i had observe:

1. Teenagers LOVE to seek problems....

    What? Why? How come? Easy, just admit it to yourself. You could GOSH HAVE A NICE SIMPLE LIFE AND SAFELY GOING TO THIS BULLSHIT STAGE, but most of you (declude me, because im kinda passive toward the word: life) love to make everything so much complicated that its already is. You dont believe me? Of course not! Since when it is easy to admit that most of your problem is your own wish which will make your life plot seems so fake. You know it better than me teenage pals, you could have it so much simpler....

2. Teenagers LOVE to exaggerate problems.....

    HAH?? NO WAY! YES WAY JERKS. Thats what youre talented to do. Teenagers are like parasites. They exaggerate. If theres a problem (that they were wishing to have) they abruptly do it worst! By well, exaggerating. 

Example.... I have a friend who has a friend (im talking about my friend but i like to make it complicated [im still a teenager] so you wont know im talking about my friend), the friend told my friend a story, he absolutely told his friend very wise advices for his friend problems. Then my friend, he came to me all spoiled about his decisions consequences and will not hear that there are like zillions of people that have it worst than him, he wants to be the one whos suffering, he voluntarily create this fucking state of mind, HES EXAGGERATING! The point is, a teenager knows their friends is exaggerating, but they do not know: That they do it themselves. 

 .... okay2 im a teenager too, i admit, i do that stuff too....

3. Teenagers LOVE to show their problems

    Dont believe me? Check your twitter. 

4. Teenagers LOVE to fall in LOVE

    Tell me how many times did you say: I love you. How many nights did thought: He surely is the one. How many dirty thoughts you had about him??

5. Teenagers LOVE to fall out LOVE

    How many gallons of tears did you shed when you recognize he doesnt love you? Hmm, the real question is: how many lover did you have? how many of them did you actually love? how many of them did you lie to? How many of them lalalalala ask whatever you want, sky is your limit. But the point is: you LOVE to seek for other lovers, you actually adores you, worships you, feeds you,.... You fall in love to fall out of it, you fall out to just fall in love again.

6. Teenagers LOVE to think their current life is the ultimate life

     Meaning? Im not sure myself. Its just i know that teenagers love to think that their having the best years of their pathetic life, dont they? 

7. Teenagers LOVE to act mature

     OMG THIS IS SO TRUE! Like a friend of mine who got her first BF with 10, first a lil touch on her boobs with 11 and ultimate adult make out with 12. She thought, with 12 you should be very mature. I was 11 back then, and i was casted out for being very immature and childish. 

Well, this result might be bias and might contain personal interpretation therefore unreliable, but still you know that this point meets some people.

8. Teenagers LOVE to be unique

9. Teenagers LOVE to be einmalig

10. Teenagers LOVE to be special

6-8 is totally proven by Justin Bieber. Wait, how old is he? 7? Well hes not in puberty yet. Well then take Miley Cyrus as an example or the Jonas Siblings.

Actually this post is trash. I just wanted to share with you how much i need a guys attention! that i feel so unloved, unlovable, ignored, forgotten, lonely etc 

well yeah i still have a guy

but im still in puberty right? I can hallucinate problems, i have the right to claim whatever teenager right i might have. Because im 17.

Life is a long journey, puberty is just so short stop,

Arinda

Another Thoughts

It wasnt a great day today nor was it worth mention. Only the desperate part of my exam when i actually tried to one way communicate with the mysterious examiner. Hmm i actually blamed him, i hope hes not upset.

Anyway, this is for most of my school mates their last exam (unfortunately not for me) and i kind of find myself in a sudden sad mood. 

Yes i do prefer to spend my time with people who actually loves me and do not ignore me etc, but all this treatment i had to face in the last months, i kinda get used to it. All im trying to say is, yes i will miss it. 

Once some random guy said to me that "eventhough you hate Egypt, you will miss it someday, you'll gonna find a reason to miss it," I answered him withouth hesitation, "maybe, but likely NO, i wont miss it, I'm happy to leave this place, why the hell should i miss this place?" He just look straight the road (he was driving me home obviously he was paid to do so) "you'll find a reason," 

I knew back then that he was right but i tried to deny all that fact because i just hate to see myself making the same mistake all over again. I hate to miss something i hate. A mistake i will never learn.

I'm a bad person. I do sins like constantly and I'm not planning to stop. I'm a bad person, i hurt most of the people i know and sometimes even those who never knew and will never know me. I'm a bad person. For hating something just because it seems so hateable. 

I'm a bad person who cling to the past, who cries for the past, regret the past and miss the past. Even if i meet another bad person who ruins my life, i always find a reason to miss them. To actually craved after them.

Sometimes i even miss strangers. 

Today, some of my friends remind me that this is the last time ill see them. Even i forget it myself (due to stress, lost sense of time and mostly unreasonable hunger). It surprised me that they remembered it. The thing is, they looked happy. I didnt expect them to look sad or pretend to be, at least i didnt expect them to be that 'hilarious'. And i find myself, overwhelm. With weird feelings i thought i wont feel but i knew that i will do. Those feelings are mix of, curiosity, pity, hunger and even sadness. Yes i felt sad. I know that i will miss them somehow. Ill find a reason to actually craved for them, to actually be the one who'll send them an email. Ill gonna find myself a reason to cry. And I'm gonna miss them, miss Egypt.

The guy was right. I hate goodbyes. Even to the most hateful person in this world, i find a way to be sad. I hate goodbyes. And i think even the most hateful person in this world, do not deserve farewells of any kind. 

The road back home was almost empty. It gave me time to watch the yellow hill scenario that blend together with the city, it gave me stolen time to think.

Maybe, i dont hate Egypt at all. Maybe, i just hate myself. For not being a better person, for not opening myself, for not take the chance of friendship and change, for being so stubborn, for stopping myself being happy, for missing all those opportunities that might change my whole life for better or worst and for not being myself all this time.

Yes, I am gonna say it out loud, yes I'm gonna miss Egypt. I'm gonna miss all those things i didn't do. All those 'no's i said and regret to say. I'm gonna miss Egypt and might cry for it. 

For im a bad person who loves to fall in love with something that cannot ever love me back. 

For im a bad person who appreciates memories too much.

For im a bad person who will love the invention of the time machine only to watch my past all over again. 

This is a confession that i dont hate you, not even a bit, hating you is just some lame excuse to escape the sad truth.

See you later Egypt, 

Arinda

Red (this post has nothing to do with period etc)

I got an issue with the color RED. Its not like i hate red, its more im kinda unlucky with red. I always wanted to have a red dress, shit yes i really do want one. Then i got one from my cousin and its lovely yes it is. Its something from a brand thats quite money-able but i wont say it because im not Dianarikasari or brandminded. Anyway, theres no problem with the dress-shirt, its just... very short to wear it without pants or legging (f@#k legging!), too tight to wear it with pants or legging (f@#k legging!), when i say too tight, i mean the kind of tightness that shape the whole damn fat in my body and force me to obviously stop breathing. Like a red second skin.

It makes me look like that bitch above. Only fattier. But the minidress she wears is kinda fine compare to the one i have. Its 15 cm shorter, tighter and reder. 

At the end i end up having no wearable red piece of cloth. So i kinda get more biased toward reds. Whatever i choose is red, for instance red nailpolish or tuna in red cans. 

One random day i remember that i had a red book, and its kind of sexy. Its my beloved Lord Of The Ring Trilogy in german, above 2000 pages that i never manage to finish. And another random book i pick because it has a nice book cover called: Whisper, (found out the book was about a skinny girl who wanted to wait for a special boy to pop up her cherry, a hypersex curvy mom, a guy that liked to sit in the roof to smoke and a ghost who was killed after having sex with the more handsome brother [the other one is retarded] )

And yes i was inspired to make something with book and red. I kind of thought about a book covert in red velvet but since we're in Egypt, im not really sure where i can get one. So i manage to beg my mom for a red leftover fabric. I made the book cover, kind of sexy yes except that i misinterpret the glue and it turned out to be quite messy and ugly. I thought, the fabric would fit if i make it all over again. WRONG. Because my mom took the leftover again to "patch something that happened to be just identical with the leftover she gave me" Leaving me struggling with no more red book.  

Shut the hell up and tell us what is it that you want to share with us:

Yapo, I just painted it all black and put some random symbol (its not 8, its the symbol eternity you morons), i did it totally the "Art Attack" way. 

Fyi, thats some random book i literally trashed out from one of my teacher's booksthatshouldgotoheavenbutipickeditup. I made a hole inside it (its very beyond messy and i hate to even look at it), and Tadaaaa a dramatic secret book was made by moi. And i did it completely manual with the help of any tutorial because i thought this idea is original (i know i know). Ill put my secret inside it just so stupid why i tell you that. 

So i can carry my illegal secret around with me and no one will ever know. I even can pass the airport dumb scanning with my sophisticated home made cocaine that blow me high in the sky i dont want to stop using it. Yes yes, im a drug addict and you dont know it, do you?

Nah, im just kidding.

Its just my 3 days uncharged Ipod.

If you happened to want to do this shit like me, you can click this >>>> CLICK <<<<< 

GOSH I WISH I KNEW THAT WEB EARLIER.

dont make the same mistake like moi, get some tutorial.

You can google anything nowadays,

Arinda

The Fatty Goes to Some Random Park

The actual purpose of my blog was to write about my daily interesting life here in Egypt. To give people insight of how it feels like living a place that you actually can call: trash can (no offense egypzians). But like any other attempt in my life, i obviously fail to even conduct something near to my original reason.

My days here are counted. In less than 3 weeks, im gonna sit in one of those airplane i always saw from down this smelly earth. Im gonna sit up there and see what other people see from above. Thus every moment here is like a pre-set memory i force my brain to remember forever. Since i dont know when the hell ill come back again (probably next year, i just wanted to sound melodramatic). So after some random exam (i forgot what subject) my driver voluntarily drove me to some park saying he wanted to show his photography talent. Whatever.

So im trying to document everything that will happen in this last weeks of mine (except those that involves me involuntarily stuck in some stupid place where i have to act nice and pretend to loathe minidresses and alcohol). You'll surely see some differences in both my physical appearance and mental. Like my boobs is bigger, i know i know random and inappropriate but please understand, i struggled the last 5 years with the thought that i might lack of girls hormone. And obviously im getting fatter, my hips so large i can hide a lamb behind me. Mental like: hmmm.. im kinda get more restless.

So please see through my want-to-look-cool-like-an-European-tourist pictures

"I hate people who claim they posses some natural talent for something, then they prove the total opposite. Why don't you shut your boring mouth and let people judge." random quotes by moi

The place i went:

If the writing was a little bit in the middle it would look fun, but hey its the walls fault for he cannot move to the position we desire (read- sarcasm). And i do really look fat. DONT TRY TO EVEN MAKE THE SOUND OF "THAT STUPID GIRL IS NOT FAT AT ALL!"oh i know what youre thinking

Thats the place, its quite nice you know. Actually i really liked it since it doesnt look like Egypt hehe btw i look ugly in that pict (sigh)

I kinda thought of a romantic kiss scene and the fact that i would look fat in those pants

This fucking place is fucking expensive and my frugal beloved mommy made it clear that: Since you lived under my four roof and still eat from the money that you father earn, you cannot ever eat in a restaurant such like this!

Handsome millionaires, please marry me.

Yap that behind me were couples. And it should look like a very funny picture from an angel I'd imagine. Some modern cultural facts: The use of mobile phones here in Egypt is very inevitable, like the use of contraceptive in gay sex (kidding). How to use it is very easy, download the most current favorite local song on your phone, turn it on to the full volume, place it in the middle of you and your lover as a personal soundtrack. Romantic isnt it? If not for the fact that all those couple behind me were doing the same thing at the same time.

The thing i like here in Egypt (except some fatty food that made me fat like this) is that the people here, do take the 5 times prayer very seriously. No matter where you are, you can always pray to God for He is always everywhere. Nice right? Kinda sad for me who commit sins beyond human imagination (beyond my moms at least). And well, the Egyptians are somehow annoying in whatever they're doing (except Omar dan Ahmed and some others) so they straighten their shits by begging for forgiveness. Nice theory.

Quite neutrally nice, isn't it?

The water did really smell

I CANT STOP LAUGHING AT THIS SHIT!

im fat yeah, but not that fat my stomach is competing against my breast!

People should've warn me before taken the shot.

more local trash. Im not into fashion nor am i fashionable, i just know that you cant be human when you decide to wear something that could make you look like a walking torch.

Except that handsome guy in Fantastic Four, obviously hes name is the Torch.

BUT SHES NOT TORCH NOR IS SHE HOT TO DRESS LIKE ILL FIRE!

ah hell, the color blindness gene is planted everywhere, time for a second Hitler's genocide. Man im kidding. But dont you think they're beyond the line of tolerable?

But wait! I look very ugly in that picture too Ha Ha.

That was a random day in May 2010, i think it was the 17 hmm... YES IT WAS! cause my beloved old daddy had his birthday that day :)

Fatty loves ice cream,

Arinda

Day one written EXAM

Hallo,

Todays exam was Psychology AS paper 1. how was it? it was shit.

My day started so....

3 o'clock (note i slept daily at 12) i woke up, well not voluntarily, mom woke me up to do the night pray together. Then i study till 7. The bus picked us up. Drove to school. waited for the exam from 8 am - 4 pm. WTF? i know im asking the same thing.

so i had to wait 8 hours shit boring, full of killing revision that made me understand less and less.

Then the exam.

No, i wasnt nervous. I dont go nervous i think. its just not me. But i go blank. So bad blank i couldnt breath, everything goes black, i cant control the pen im holding.

and then the thing is with me, i dont have panic attack or so, i suffer from sloth disorder. Suddenly i felt lazy to write. Thats it. I felt lazy to move my hand, use my brain.

So overall todays exam was tiring, shit, useless and sleepy (thanks to the green curtain and the 4 pm sun effect)

The hell question no. 14 i think, Why did Albert Einstein score poorly in the IQ test?

THE HELL I KNOW! I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY I SCORED SO POORLY IN EVERY FUCKING IQ TEST I DID! I DONT CARE OF SOME OLD MANS IQ!

"Genius people suffer from white hair"

Then for the fucking section B

the 10 marks questions. Holly Shit.

I prepare myself for Eve's MPD.. but it didnt came out! WHY THE HELL IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL TO ME???

spontaneously i chose Freud's Little Hans. Stuck on number b, oops i should have done Zimbardo's Prison Simulation. SHIT I CANT DO THIS.

you can guess the rest, somehow i manage to write shits on the shit sheets of paper given.

I want to sleep but i smell and i dont wanna take a bath,

Arinda

The Guy Who Loves to Ask Me RANDOM Questions

WTF??

No! God no, not that kind of pervert question like "Do you have a full body shave?" 

I even doubt he knows how girls panties look like. For i bet my fingers he never had laid any interest in any sexual related thing. 

So what random questions does he asks me?

Well, you can say, its a new ritual everytime we see eachother that he always has to ask me something. That ritual was not invented by moi nor him, but by the fact that i think he couldnt find someone to ask such a question and the other fact that i talk so much. So voila, a tutor lesson of life begins...

Yesterday, he randomly said (like all his random questions moment begins)

"i wish my eyes could sent laser beams, just like Cyclops in X-men you know," As you can see he has that bound with X-men and Cyclops we normal people would never understand.

and like almost always (hang from my mood) i answered him whether

1. "i wish i had wings so big and black i could fly around the earth in 4 seconds"

2. "I wish i was dead"

3. "I wish i could kill people merely by wishing"

this time i decided for the last option.

then the random round of the random questions begins....

"I feel like people dont respect me..."

"why so?"

"i dont know i just got the feeling,"

"you have to respect yourself boy, thats the only way.  You have to both respect other and respect yourself to be respected, you cant just go around wanting to be respected while you doubt yourself, like me i dont feel respected and i dont think i mind so im not going to change this shit state im in because i dont want to. If you so want to be seen you somehow have to see others, its life, life is shit, but thats the way it is, you give you receive something back, or if youre so damn unlucky you dont receive anyting back from that unthankful person, but at the end youll receive something. I think youre being respected, its just your guess, dont stuck on it, it'll just make you down. Dont worry about others were gonna die alone anyway"

"dont be so rude" random comment

"im not being rude, im just talking in a very fast English" random excuse, as you may notice im having my period.

Second random round of the random moment....

"hey, what do you know about gifts and curses?"

hmmm is this spiritual related shit or just random things which whatever i answered would slightly change his life? Either way i have to be careful

"what do you mean?" 

"You know, in Spiderman he once said, this is my gift and my curse,..." (he somehow manages to memorize that random quote from Spiderman)

"Aha,"

"so what exactly does he meant by that?" Dont you thing its so random asking random girl whos armpit is sweating about this so random topic?

"i think that, gift he refers to is the power that he has, his stregths, his capability to do justice and his chance to be a hero to human,"

"then whats the curse?"

"i think curse is a state of mind, its not only what the dukuns can do to you, but what yourself see as a bad thing in something. Like his good gift brings him badness, he cant not be with the girl he loves (refers to Mary Jane or something), he has to live a life full of secret and caution, he had lost his grandparents."

"So like with great power comes great responsibility, the grandfather of Spiderman said it"

"yeah because everything is two sided. Like ***** shes standing there, its a gift refers to her happiness laughing with other, might be a curse, he could be hit by a ball. See the connection?"

"yeah yeah now i understand,"

Then i had to translate the meaning of a random Spiderman Soundtrack by Yellow Card

no, his English is beyond excellent, he just didnt know the inside meaning of each word, like the feeling he felt etc.

You know, talking to him is so random, it is. Mostly about Cyclops and his dearest wish to buy eyeglasses just like him. But on the other hand, he inspired me randomly. Talking to him sometimes reveal a random side of me that i never had known it existed. 

He is so random and thats why i thank him so much.

For his randomness makes my day a little bit brighter.

I think im into random questions XD

Arinda

Sesudah UAN

honey BUNNY sweety, im the bunny bunny oink oink
(even i dont know what i mean my that abstract writing above -_-)
Youre so round, you remind me of a Christmas ball hanging soullessly on a dead tree

Waaah selese juga UANnya, now what?

Fly me to the moon.....

Now what should i do?

Detik detik sebelum uan

children development psychology

z : Kamu kaya gitu culun tau!
y : culun itu apah?
z : culun itu jelek
y : jelek itu apah?
z : jelek itu culun?
y: culun itu apah?
z : jelek!
y : jelek itu apah?
z: culun!
y : culun itu apah?
z : jelek artinyaa!
y : jelek itu apah?
z : culun!
y : culun itu apah?
terus selama 3 menit. Kita bisa membaca, z berhasil dibodohi y

k : pak! Y nga mau kerja!
z : PAK PAK K DI KELOMPOK KITA AJA!
y : aku nga mau kerja
z : PAK Y BERISIK
y : siapa yang berisik, aku nga ngomong apa-apa
z : BERISIK SSST SEMUA DIEM BERISIK TAU AAAAH
k : lah kamu sendiri teriak teriak
z : BERISIK SEMUA! BAPAK!
bapak : sudah diam kamu!
nga ngaruh...
z : PAK BESOK K DI KELOMPOK KITA AJA YA PAK!
bapak : lah kenapa
z : SOALNYA Y DAN O SERING JAHATIN K!
bapak : emang bener k?
k : Nga ko, aku bertemen sama mereka.
o : aku jahatnya sama y bukan sama k
k : tuh kan
z : YA TAPI Y NGA MAU KERJA!

hening, kita bisa baca z tidak suka dengan y dalam segala cara. Ps: z selalu berteriak

s : kalo disurga apa aja yang kamu mau kamu dapet
t : ada apa ajah?
s : kalo kamu mau blackberry ada, mau apa ajah deh
u : ih aku takut sama neraka
s : iyah kalo kamu nakal nanti kamu masuk neraka karena Allah murka, nanti kalo gitu dihukumnya ada banteng marah2 nyundul kamu masuk ke api neraka

hmm, kita bisa membaca, s dididik islamiah dan phobia akan dosa

my favorite
tiba-tiba....
y : Mati kau mati kau
z : PAK Y BILANG MATI PAK! DIA BILANG MATI
o : (cool) mati ya mati sendiri
y : ya udah mati aja
z : PAK Y BILANG MATI TUH PAK!
k : ya kan dia yang mati z
z : NAKAL BANGET SIH KAMU Y!
y : Ya biarin! Nakal kan nakal sendiri!
z : KAMU BERISIK TAU!!!
y : berisik mah berisik sendiri!
z : AAAAH PAK BERISIK PAK! Y BERISIK! (tutup kuping)

dari sebuah konfersasi kita bisa membaca karakter orang atau dalam kasus ini anak-anak.

lot of love,

Dr. Arinda

Needs time to realize

I have so much to do lately. The two schools I've been attending at the same time keeps me on pressure and increase my hunger. I eat like a pig, a giant pig, but really, if you use your brain so much your hunger increases. Anyway, i always find time to go online just to check things and because i don't care about facebook anymore, i just go straight to my boring blog.

What made me post this?

Well, 10 minutes ago i was wandering through my old blog and find myself wondering about my shitty Indonesian language and my very broken English. I cant even speak one language properly. But there are some posts that really got into me. I ask, was it really me who posted it? The posts sounded so delightful and happy, without any worry. And while reading through the old posts, i could picture the memory clearly in my head, and suddenly i miss them so much but it healed me at the same time.

I realize that writing really help me go through lots of things. When i read what happened years ago, i am then sure that it really happened, not just some delusional sick fantasy. Reading what you had write awakens memories and help you get through the day, thinking today may be the memory of a 27 years old me, and even if today was so bad, it will the yesterday of tomorrow and you don't have to really care about it anymore. 

I wrote blogs, not be to read by someone else, but to be read by me one day. When i need something to hold on in crisis, that behind every dark cloud theres the sun, behind every dark shit days there will be better days and you would be very grateful you didn't commit suicide before.

It took a long time for me to realize that i write this things to share my happy thoughts, so that i can be happy when I'm sad, laugh when i cry; reading a solid evidence of life.

My days, are todays and I'm gonna try to write about my days, not about what happened long ago, sticking in the past is not healthy anyway. 

Its so funny how simple things can inspire you while you were searching for complex reasons.

I, here now testify, to be the girl i used to be, to let me being happy

feeling alive too little too late,

arinda

Ps: im planning to make special posts about my puberty memory phase, it should motivate me to get more mature every day