There are some memories that are vivid, others are blur. Although, those blurry ones are the ones that I shouldve remember the most. Usually the blurry ones were the ones that leaves something significant behind. The effect can still be felt, though the pictures seems faded.
Going through puberty, I had my fair share of boys. There weren't many problems to begin with at that age, mostly love and friendship (and sometimes grades and administration problem because I tend to delay my tuition payment). But most of my love stories were failures that I never wanted to remember. And tonight, I am stepping out of comfort zone and let my fingers type down things I have never wanted to admit. I am feeling like a ghost, haunting the past, so maybe with this, I can finally be at peace.
I had three significant lessons through the past years. By lessons I mean failures. The boys I have dated were all very different from each other, and each has somehow shape who I am today.
The first one, I thought was the worst. It was a dark and vague year for me, since I seriously can't remember most of it. But one was sure, we were so much in pain. I was in pain and he was in pain. I complaint that he was hurting me, until I recently realised that I was hurting him as well. This is what you get when you force love, you end up hurting each other. It felt like a surreal dream, now that I think of it. There were thousands of fights and arguments. And when I woke up from that dream it was too late, my friends were already hating me, my grades went to hell, I almost failed the semester and the savings my parents gave me was drained. And I could not remember how it all happened. Maybe it was the fights? Maybe it was because he took my car and locked my up inside the house? Maybe because I stayed up all night because he always had something to do and my presence were mandatory? I seriously dont know. It is indeed much easier to blame it on someone else and much easier to remember the fault of someone else, but maybe I wasnt much better myself. Like I said, I was mentally abusing him as much as he was torturing me. As much as I like to believe that he is a bad person, I honestly dont think that he is, maybe we both were so not right for each other that we became the worst person we can be. We havent been speaking for years now. Good news though, (from what I think) he seems happy now with his girlfriend and I am seriously happy for him. I would like to apologise for the misery I have caused him and say one more time, I do not have your jeans.
After I met the second one, I thought, hell no, compare to this jerk, the first one was an angel. Again, this one was also a blur and oh my god, until now, I have never regret anything this big in my life. Well, I am only regretting the fact that I was unlucky enough to know him, I wish that I have never met him in the first place. Unlike the first one, no one forced anyone to love. I think that we both were equally into each other. And I remember that looking at his eyes, everything felt alright, I was comfortable. It was just that personality wise, he was a challenge. The decisions that he made were mostly idiotic. He loved to tell me to stop being friends with my friends, and apparently he said that to other people too. Guess he gets turned on by conflicts. He was a sick liar as well. Honestly, I do not know how to make this story more objective, because there isn't a way to put him in a better light. He was just a mindblowing asshole. I hated him. For the troubles and conflicts that he brought. For all the lies I had to tell for him and all that damn stupid pain. I hated him for awhile. Until I realised that hating a person like that will just drain my energy. I do not hate him anymore, I have made my peace eventually, I just think that I do not owe him any apology.
The third and the most recent one, was a nice young boy. He was everything I wished for. From my list of "boyfriend requirements" he made me ticked a lot of points, because he was almost perfect. But sometimes, what you wish for is not what you need. I know that he was giving his best, he was kind and sweet and he put me first, I knew at that time that I didnt care enough to give him back what he deserved. Again, you cant force love. Honestly, this post might be just my sad attempt to tell him the things I could not tell him in person: I am not mad at him nor am I pissed off. My email responses were probably not as friendly as him wished it to be, but that was just because I felt as if he was attacking me first. Maybe instead of thinking I am angry at him, he should start considering the fact he is the one who is angry with me (totally understandable by the way). And it is true, maybe if I would have tried harder, I could have loved him. If I wanted to, I would have loved him. I tried, and I wanted to. But I cant explain it in words how awful it felt like to force love. How it hurt me and how shitty I felt hurting him. I just hope one day he will understand, or at least gain a bit perspective of my position. I did warn him, I am a mess.
But I wont feel at ease if I dont say this, I am sorry for dragging such a nice boy to the realm of sadness. I am sorry that this poor innocent boy had to suffer. I am sorry that he met me a strange time of my life and so sorry that I couldnt return his love. I just hope that one day you will find your peace like I found mine when I got hurt. And dont go on telling people that I have it good, did you know how much it sucks to be the one hurting? And you know I dont cope well with guilt. I pray that one day nobody have to hate anybody anymore. It is my lost indeed, I wished that in another life, we could be friends, because you are a nice person and I wish you the best. (and I know that you hate me and apparently i dont like being hated. But i accept it. -edited again because the other one was to harsh and i dont want to get killed or cursed)
And you probably ask yourself, why was I together with them in the first place? I would say, a mix of bad luck, impulse and haste.
And because this heart needed a huge band-aid from the real fall. Apparently, all I did was creating new wounds and pouring salt over the old ones. Sigh, I did make a lot of horrible decisions.
Lets stop hating each other and live in peace kisses and hugs,
Arinda or known as your ex/we-werent-dating-but-its-over/a-girl-from-your-past
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