I do not have your jeans

There are some memories that are vivid, others are blur. Although, those blurry ones are the ones that I shouldve remember the most. Usually the blurry ones were the ones that leaves something significant behind. The effect can still be felt, though the pictures seems faded.

Going through puberty, I had my fair share of boys. There weren't many problems to begin with at that age, mostly love and friendship (and sometimes grades and administration problem because I tend to delay my tuition payment). But most of my love stories were failures that I never wanted to remember. And tonight, I am stepping out of comfort zone and let my fingers type down things I have never wanted to admit. I am feeling like a ghost, haunting the past, so maybe with this, I can finally be at peace.

I had three significant lessons through the past years. By lessons I mean failures. The boys I have dated were all very different from each other, and each has somehow shape who I am today.

The first one, I thought was the worst. It was a dark and vague year for me, since I seriously can't remember most of it. But one was sure, we were so much in pain. I was in pain and he was in pain. I complaint that he was hurting me, until I recently realised that I was hurting him as well. This is what you get when you force love, you end up hurting each other. It felt like a surreal dream, now that I think of it. There were thousands of fights and arguments. And when I woke up from that dream it was too late, my friends were already hating me, my grades went to hell, I almost failed the semester and the savings my parents gave me was drained. And I could not remember how it all happened. Maybe it was the fights? Maybe it was because he took my car and locked my up inside the house? Maybe because I stayed up all night because he always had something to do and my presence were mandatory? I seriously dont know. It is indeed much easier to blame it on someone else and much easier to remember the fault of someone else, but maybe I wasnt much better myself. Like I said, I was mentally abusing him as much as he was torturing me. As much as I like to believe that he is a bad person, I honestly dont think that he is, maybe we both were so not right for each other that we became the worst person we can be. We havent been speaking for years now. Good news though, (from what I think) he seems happy now with his girlfriend and I am seriously happy for him. I would like to apologise for the misery I have caused him and say one more time, I do not have your jeans.

After I met the second one, I thought, hell no, compare to this jerk, the first one was an angel. Again, this one was also a blur and oh my god, until now, I have never regret anything this big in my life. Well, I am only regretting the fact that I was unlucky enough to know him, I wish that I have never met him in the first place. Unlike the first one, no one forced anyone to love. I think that we both were equally into each other. And I remember that looking at his eyes, everything felt alright, I was comfortable. It was just that personality wise, he was a challenge. The decisions that he made were mostly idiotic. He loved to tell me to stop being friends with my friends, and apparently he said that to other people too. Guess he gets turned on by conflicts. He was a sick liar as well. Honestly, I do not know how to make this story more objective, because there isn't a way to put him in a better light. He was just a mindblowing asshole. I hated him. For the troubles and conflicts that he brought. For all the lies I had to tell for him and all that damn stupid pain. I hated him for awhile. Until I realised that hating a person like that will just drain my energy. I do not hate him anymore, I have made my peace eventually, I just think that I do not owe him any apology.

The third and the most recent one, was a nice young boy. He was everything I wished for. From my list of "boyfriend requirements" he made me ticked a lot of points, because he was almost perfect. But sometimes, what you wish for is not what you need. I know that he was giving his best, he was kind and sweet and he put me first, I knew at that time that I didnt care enough to give him back what he deserved. Again, you cant force love. Honestly, this post might be just my sad attempt to tell him the things I could not tell him in person: I am not mad at him nor am I pissed off. My email responses were probably not as friendly as him wished it to be, but that was just because I felt as if he was attacking me first. Maybe instead of thinking I am angry at him, he should start considering the fact he is the one who is angry with me (totally understandable by the way). And it is true, maybe if I would have tried harder, I could have loved him. If I wanted to, I would have loved him. I tried, and I wanted to. But I cant explain it in words how awful it felt like to force love. How it hurt me and how shitty I felt hurting him. I just hope one day he will understand, or at least gain a bit perspective of my position. I did warn him, I am a mess.
But I wont feel at ease if I dont say this, I am sorry for dragging such a nice boy to the realm of sadness. I am sorry that this poor innocent boy had to suffer. I am sorry that he met me a strange time of my life and so sorry that I couldnt return his love. I just hope that one day you will find your peace like I found mine when I got hurt. And dont go on telling people that I have it good, did you know how much it sucks to be the one hurting? And you know I dont cope well with guilt. I pray that one day nobody have to hate anybody anymore. It is my lost indeed, I wished that in another life, we could be friends, because you are a nice person and I wish you the best. (and I know that you hate me and apparently i dont like being hated. But i accept it. -edited again because the other one was to harsh and i dont want to get killed or cursed)


And you probably ask yourself, why was I together with them in the first place? I would say, a mix of bad luck, impulse and haste.

And because this heart needed a huge band-aid from the real fall. Apparently, all I did was creating new wounds and pouring salt over the old ones. Sigh, I did make a lot of horrible decisions.




Lets stop hating each other and live in peace kisses and hugs,

Arinda or known as your ex/we-werent-dating-but-its-over/a-girl-from-your-past

What I Have Learned in the Past Four Years

Wow, its been years since the last time I wrote! And you thought that this blog is dead. Well, you are not very wrong. The blog is dead, was, because today I am reclaiming this space and I am going to write again (fingers crossed). Before I begin to write what I have learned in the past years of absence, I would like to enlighten the sudden motivation to write again: I am jobless and highly restless to a point where I am desperately thinking that maybe, just maybe, writing things down will help me calm my soul.

I am a fresh graduate (like literally), only a couple of days old baby who is ready to jump into the real world. I am 21 years old and I studied Communications in an university that you probably wont know. The focus of my study is very broad, seriously. We covered public relations, broadcast, journalism, advertising, crisis management, event management and everything else in the field of communications. And I am currently waiting for a confirmation for a job that I have (accidentally) applied to.

After my graduation, and the fuss that comes with it (like what to wear, the hair, make up and shoes problems) I had some time to actually reflect upon myself what it is that I want. Sorry, I still dont know what I want, but while thinking of what I want, I figured out, maybe I should take things slowly and think about what I have learnED in the past years.

1. Friends you find in uni are friends for life

The truth to that quote has to be proven yet (since we just graduated). But it is a good feeling to graduate knowing that you are loved and cherished by your friends. You dont have to have a huge number of friends, a couple of people that you feel comfortable with is totally fine, as long as you know that you can count on them no matter what. Friends for me are like my security blanket, they keep me warm and safe in this big bad world. I am lucky enough to have graduated with the people I love, sometimes I feel like they are not my friends, they are family. So keep your friends close to your heart and I bet nothing will change in the next 10 years.

2. Your friends are not perfect and so are you

Remember, that no one is perfect. I know how tempting it is to follow the manual book of friendship. Like be there 24/7, dont date your friends ex, dont talk behind their back etc. But manuals will only work perfectly for machines and we are not machines. Your friends cannot be 24/7 by your side, they have a life too. People fall in love. Bad things sometimes slip out of our mouth. Just because you commit a bad thing doesnt mean you are a bad friend, as long as you try your best to help your friend, try to be more sensitive towards your friends feeling and apologise, if you happened to say something bad. Of course, you have to be tolerant and forgiving too. Sometimes people do things for a reason and if you know a friendship is good, you have to fight for it.

3. Stop thinking that it is the end of the world

People who read my blog or know me, are probably familiar with my bad habit: complaining. I know that it is human nature but I swear, I am so ashamed by my frequent complaining. I tried to stop but it was so hard, it was like drugs, you get addicted to complaining. I remember that I always had something to complain about, my body, my face, my IQ etc. Until one day, I watched a documentary about a beautiful mermaid girl, and she literally changed me. Her attitude towards life inspired me and her joy in life was so contagious that I cant help but feel ridiculous about myself. I am still trying to complain less and try to enjoy life. I also learn to stop seeing problem much bigger than they actually are. So every time I want to complain, I just remember that I have to be grateful. Every time I have a problem, I try to evaluate the damage and calculate probable solutions before freaking out.

4. Meet new people, make mistakes, learn a lesson or two

I have to admit that I am not all pure, clean and stuff. I have made mistakes that hurt many people, including myself. I said sorry, a thousand times, but pain does not heal instantly. I didnt want those mistake to be in vain and therefore I tried to make it a lesson: I should stop living in my dreams and realised that there are EVIL people out there as there are GOOD people. I should be more careful in judging characters and stop being so naive. What I am saying is, that it is okay to meet people, some of them might turned out to be your friend, some will just damage your life and of course it is okay to make mistakes, as long as you realised that it is a mistake and apologise. And at the end, learned from it. Learn from other people. Learn from your mistakes.

5. Always give your best in everything you do

Oh trust me, I have read that so many times and am still stubborn. Until I realised (too late) that there are so many things I regret not doing or giving my best. I didnt seize opportunities to be a better person. I didnt study harder. I didnt join any sports club. I wasnt more active in campus. I gave up even before I tried. I just didnt give my best in anything I did in the last four years. And honestly, remorse is an annoying feeling that I wish you will never have to feel.

6. Give your family a chance

Now that puberty is over, and the rebellious hormone is subdued, it is time to give my family a chance. I moved out from the house when I went to uni and had years of solitude. Now that uni is over, I am spending more time with my mom, trying to connect with my dad and hang out with my brother. And I am happy to say that I love them. I feel blessed for having such a fun and loving family.

7. Love life is just a small part of your life

Love is important, and we dont wanna feel lonely. But do not let your love problems affect your study and friendship. I have dated (or known) crazy guys; violent guys, jerks and other species. They have brought misery and lessons for me. I dont want to be committed in a relationship just because I am lonely. Love will come and I am not in a hurry. (Intermezzo: DO NOT DATE A GUY YOU MET AT A CLUB)

8. Experiments are okay, but know your limit

Like normal people, I have experimented too. My young soul back then wanted to try everything, and yes I did almost tried everything. I am lucky that I wasnt too carried away by my experiments but I have witness some people loosing themselves in their little experiment. It is not because I wasnt easily influenced and others was, it was because I had great friends who would remind me if I went a bit too far. My tip is, before you experiment, you should set a limit of how far you wanna go and then stop once you almost reach that limit. Or dont even start something you know you wont be able to stop (read: dont do drugs). Whatever it is that you wanna try, just keep in mind that you always have to be careful and take care of yourself.


That was a broad and summarised version of the lessons that I have learned in the past four years. I hope that I entertained you or inspired you a little bit. There are many more lessons to come, of course, as we dont stop learning as we grow. But not today, people, I am off to nap wonderland.




Jobless love and kisses!!

Maybe.. (the most saddest excuse for a tittle)

Oh god i know no one reads my blog any more.

hey, maybe thats a great reason to write again.

3 posts ago, i think, the last post i wrote when i was in Cairo, i was reading through it quickly and wow, you wont believe what i felt, i felt like i was living in a dream. Nothing seems real anymore. Im not sure whether this is the dream or the cairo part is the dream, either way when the future comes and you flash back to the old days of your fucking boring past, you wonder, how the hell did i manage to get through that crazy asssucking days??? I thought i was gonna be dead by the end of the year.

Life is so random man, i swear to you. Maybe what i had is some kind of an enlightenment from the Lord whos trying to tell me the reason why we exist. Well, i dont have the answer yet, but trust me, that is the the first thing im gonna ask Him when i arrive at the heavens gate (when i arrive, but im sure ill go to Jahanam first, sad if you know it before you should know it)

Anyway, i was kinda innocent huh, saying "i was born decent" and bla bla bla, saying i wasnt mentally and physically ready. People dont have to be ready to make a funny step out of their dull life. You can have the life you want to live too, when youre courageous enough to face the sad truth that theres always gonna be Emma Watson whos gonna be above you in freaking everything.

Its starting to get harmful nowadays, ironic when i remember how i assured people that i only attract nice, nerdy and innocent human being. Ironic when i remember i dont like to wear dresses and frigging slut heels.

Ironic how i like my life now.

I could tell you everything. Every funny little scenes that happened to me, but trust me, you dont wanna know. Cause maybe you might be too close minded to understand, or in worst case you gonna tell everyone and i will be sent back to the last place i wanna be, Alaska, reading the Quran alone inside an ice cold igloo with no poster of nude Johny Depp.

are you confused and irritated?

Me too

Ironic kisses and hugs,

Arinda

Hallo

Saya sedang dikelas bersama teman2 saya. Pelajaran sekarang adalah Intro to PR dan teman2 sinting saya sedang 'chat dengan kertas' dengan orang anonymous kelas sebelas. bener2 deh.

tapi gue sayang mereka lho. i really love them. not that im cheap or something but it eassy for me to love friends!!

ah and my life s turning 180 degree. all the thing i dont do, i do it now in a constant sick proportion.

Im 17 and big enough :)

random birth in 1993

Well i owe some explanations of what happened this past weeks. Maybe in the next post, im not into talking about my stupid being.

Im 17. I keep repeating that stuff when i forget why the hell i should make a driver license. And why am i getting my own bank account. Also the legal age in Europe and America to be able to move out from parents four wall and cohabit with either opposite-sex partner or same-sex partner (a totally made up law, if im right then wow). They also made a movie about a 40-years-old-virgin (tittle: 40 years old virgin), poor ugly old man, lucky im a fresh 17 years old girl.

Anyway, im 17 and i have the right to love. 

Okay, i totally hate bullshits about couples who find themselves totally eternal, but i never said that this love i have would be everlasting. im just saying its very sweet. and i love to love this fucking pervert (private joke, i dont expect u to understand, dumbasses :p)

i decide to separate this ugly post with the one i wanted you to read,

Arinda